Spiritual growth. What exactly is that anyway? How can we measure it? How do we even define it?
When I was little I thought of spiritual growth when I thought of my mom's friends that were really "godly" and spiritual people. I thought of the quiet kids in my Sunday school classroom that never got in trouble (while I got kicked out of classes for being disruptive), but participated dutifully by answering as many questions as possible.
A short interruption in this paragraph for a glimpse of a typical Sunday school class when I was a youngin':
Me & whoever I was sitting next to / distracting: hehehehhohooohhahahahhaha
Sunday School Teacher: Shannon? Do YOU have any prayer requests?!
Me: hheheh Yes. I pray that my dog would stop farting! hahahhAHAHAHAHAHHAhahahhahHahAHH
Sunday School Teacher: You're excused! Leave this classroom and go find your parents in the service!
[I leave the room awkwardly and hang out by the vending machine until service lets out.]
I thought of missionaries that came to visit my AWANA (christian boy/girl scouts of America) meetings and speak about their experiences. Those were the images that came to mind. Now people at church are usually the last people I think of when I think of what "spiritual growth" looks like - and why is that?
Maybe, its because people at church are often not what they say they are in church. We never are - theres always something we feel we must hide in order to be accepted amongst the people of the church we attend. BUT THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. For some reason, we've decided as human beings that its our job to play God sometimes and decide who fits and who doesn't fit in our church. Well thats funny, isn't it? Especially considering the fact that we've all got our own shit that we're hiding.
Do you want to know what I was doing before I started writing this? I was masturbating - instead of praying with my family. That is the choice that I made. My mom came in here and said, "we're going to pray as a family now. Would you like to join us?" And I'm thinking - no, I'm so freaking horny right now - please leave so that I can get back to this dirty endeavor! Some people might consider that to be mildly sacrilegious ...
I don't know. This is something I think about a lot. I wish sometimes that God would just give me a YES or NO answer because I'm sick of "maybe ..."
I know that a world with black&white answers for everything would be hellish and disturbing - there has to be a grey area! But in this case, can't I just get a straight-forward answer? It would be awesome if God just said to me right now, "Shannon! This is what you are doing - ______________ - and this is what you need to be doing - _____________ - in order to have a relationship with me!" And then I'd be like, "Okay, God! I'm so there. I got this like none othaaaah! BOOM." Thats totally realistic...
I know spiritual growth is probably something that you feel when you experience it. So my question is - what must I do in order to experience it? What must I do in order for church people to "see fruit bearing in my life?"
Or ... is this just a journey that won't end? Will I never reach the stage of spiritual achievement that I've always sought after? Is it even possible to do so?
I was sitting in my room the other night while I was home alone and I decided to start a book. (YES, me. I'm reading! Can ... you ... believe it?! ..... NO?! ..... yeahhh, okay). So I've been reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. I've been meaning to read it for a while and I finally picked it up at Border's last week. So far, its given me more spiritual clarity than I think I've ever discovered at any other point in my life - and its a fiction-based novel, great.
But seriously - I've never had temptation explained to me in a better way. So I've started trying to determine when I am and am not being tempted - as if thats possible, I know. But I almost feel like I'm more aware of Satan's presence in my life. That might sound like paranoia/craziness, but I don't care I guess.
All I know is that I want to get rid of the feeling that I've experienced on & off throughout my whole life. The feeling that makes me want to die because nothing seems to be working. A few days ago, I went to my first class - late, as usual - and sat there with an idle mind, not listening to a word that was said for the entire class period. In between my first and second class I worked on homework - barely making any progress because of how distracted I was. Then in my second class, my professor played the piano while my class sang Christmas carols. I didn't sing because I was crying. I don't really know why. Maybe its because Christmas reminds me of fights that I've had with my family, heartbreak, and plans to kill myself.
Or ... maybe I'm just depressed again. I mean, it IS wintertime - how original.
Anyway, I just would like to get out of bed in the morning on MOST days (instead of just SOME days) and actually feel like moving. But right now, I don't feel like moving or doing much of anything usually. I just want to sleep (provided I don't have nightmares) and pretend that I don't have any problems. In reality, I have far fewer problems than most people and I should be so happy to be as blessed as I am!
But then why don't I feel that way? Why do I feel like crying for no reason? Why does my body ache all the time and why am I so fucking irritable?! I don't know. I try to come up with answers of my own, but that never seems to lead to anything profound or meaningful or worth believing. I really like this one quote from Girl, Interrupted -
"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds..."
- Susanna Kaysen
I wonder if she has figured it out yet. Maybe ... I should write her a letter. Maybe ... I should try reading the Bible for once.
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